Bond. James Bond.

 Joe's latest movie series kick is the James Bond series. Which is quite alright with me, as I've seen and at least somewhat enjoyed most of the Bond movies previously. 

First stop: How many Bond movies are there?

Well, turns out that that's kind of tricky. Judging from this

you'd think that the answer was 23 + Spectre = 24, with 25 (No Time to Die) due out any minute now...no, wait, six months from now ...well, we'll see. ANYway, that list would go like this:

†1. Dr. No (1962)
†2. From Russia with Love (1963)
†3. Goldfinger (1964)
†4. Thunderball (1965)
†5. You Only Live Twice (1967)
†6. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
†7. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
†8. Live and Let Die (1973)
†9. The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
†10. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
†11. Moonraker (1979)
†12. For Your Eyes Only (1981)
†13. Octopussy (1983)
†14. A View to A Kill (1985)
†15. The Living Daylights (1987)
†16. License to Kill (1989)
†17. GoldenEye (1995)
†18. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
†19. The World Is Not Enough (1999)
†20. Die Another Day (2002)
†21. Casino Royale (2006)
†22. Quantum of Solace (2008)
†. Skyfall (2012)
†24. Spectre (2015)
25. No Time to Die (2020)

But then there are also these films: 

†Casino Royale (1954) - with Barry Nelson as an American Bond
†Casino Royale (1967) - with David Niven as Bond
†Never Say Never Again (1983) - with Sean Connery returning as Bond

(Just in case you were wondering, that means Sean Connery did 7, Roger Moore did 7, Timothy Dalton did 2, Pierce Brosnan did 4, Daniel Craig did 5, and George Lazenby, Barry Nelson and David Niven did 1 apiece.)

So REALly there are 28 Bond films. 

And the good news is...Pluto TV is now serving up 21 of them for free:

And Amazon Prime folks can also see Daniel Craig's Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace for free. It will cost you $2 apiece to see him in Skyfall and Spectre, though. And it looks like you're fucked on Die Another Day, as you'll have to throw down $4 for that one on Amazon. Sometimes it just be like that.

As for Joe and me...well, we started our Bond Binge with On Her Majesty's Secret Service courtesy of Pluto...because I had mis-remembered that as the first Bond film. I think I had conflated it with the earlier version(s) of Casino Royale. It was an amazingly bad movie. George Lazenby was okay-ish as Bond, but (1) this may have been the worst directed movie I've ever seen...and I've seen about 9,000 movies in my life; (2) there was way too much skiing in this movie; (3) other than Diana Rigg, the women were not very attractive. 

As for (1), the directing was particularly bad during action scenes--and, of course, there are a lot of action scenes in this movie. But for some reason, Peter Hunt thought it would be a good idea to have the camera zoom in and out and quickly cut away when people were fighting. It actually made me feel a little disoriented, and it certainly made it impossible to actually watch "a good fight." As for (2), I didn't do an actual riding time count, but my God, the skiing just went on forever. And there were really silly things going on...like Bond skiing down a mountain on one ski. FF'sS. And as for (3), yeah, I know, but if you're going to have a movie whose tertiary purpose...perhaps even secondary purpose...is to exploit the physical attributes of women, then you have a certain duty to provide attractive women for this purpose. Just sayin'.

We then jumped up to Daniel Craig's Casino Royale with a Quantum of Solace chaser, both free on Amazon Prime. There were some good moments in both of them, for sure, but a heaping helpin' of stupidity, as well. I do like Daniel Craig quite a bit, though, so I enjoyed watching these movies again. It may have been the first time I've watched Quantum of Solace all the way through. I was actually in the mood to keep on the Daniel Craig train, but Joe wanted to get back to The Proper Order, so we headed for some Sean Connery. 

Pluto provided us with Dr. No and From Russia With Love. Watching them was not what I would call a good experience. The casual misogyny is bad enough, but on top of that is actual violence towards women...for pretty much no reason whatsoever. I don't understand how this was okay. Also on Pluto was Goldfinger, which was a bit better. It seemed like this is the movie when all of the Bond pieces clicked into place...but it still had unacceptable scenes of violence against women...including the kind I most hate, where a guy (Bond) is being violent towards a woman, forces a kiss on her, and she then becomes passionate and fucks the hell out of him. Not the kind of message our world needs, for sure.

For some reason, Joe wanted to jump over to the oldest movies at this point. I think he realized we were not "in order" and wanted to straighten that out before continuing with the Sean Connery films. 

Fortunately, AT&T TV gave us the 1967 Casino Royale (via TCM). But it was pretty much unbearable. Stupidity masquerading as humor. Undaunted, Joe took us back to Pluto for the 1954 live television version of Casino Royale, which was pretty boring, actually...I mean, it's really just about a card game...but watching it right after that 1967 thing made it seem like a brilliant piece of work.

And then it was all Pluto for quite awhile. Thunderball (prettier women, but way too much underwater bullshit, and everything just seemed kind of tired to me, like the series had hit its peak and was just coasting along now. The You Only Live Twice and Diamonds Are Forever, both of which were really bad. Then we jumped over to Never Say Never Again to finish off the Sean Connery Bond, and much to my surprise, it was much better than any of the others with the sole exception of Goldfinger. I wouldn't go so far as to call it good, but after suffering through the past half-dozen (-ish) really bad films, it was a bit of a relief, at least.

And then came Roger Moore. I've never liked Roger Moore. He always seemed too effeminate for the role. In the same way that Sean Connery, is a very misguided way, seemed too masculine for the role. I never thought either one of them were very good choices for the role, actually. At any rate...Live and Let Die was a horrible movie. It consisted of non-stop racism, stupidity, and completely unrealistic stunts (such as motorboats running up on land, crossing a hundred or so yards of earth, then returning to the water). I can't believe that this movie ever even made it to the screen. The Man with the Golden Gun  was slightly better...but still awful. At this point I really did not want to continue watching Roger Moore in the role, but we were on That train and there was no way off of it, so.... Next up, The Spy Who Loved Me. Hey, did you know that Barbara Bach not only married Ringo Starr (in 1981), but that she is still married to him? You don't see much of that sort of thing in Hollywoodland. As for the movie...it was pretty boring. Sharks, submarines. It actually felt like a remake of Thunderball in a lot of ways. There were more stupid "humor" moments...but there was less violence towards women this time around, so at least there was that. "Jaws" is the stupidest idea for a villain ever, though. Four more Roger Moores to go. Sigh.

Still on Pluto. (Thank you, Pluto. I'd have felt awful if I had to pay for this shit.) Roger Moore countdown commence: 4. Moonraker: Awful, silly, stupid tripe. The only positive thing I have to say is that Bond has stopped hitting women. 3. For Your Eyes Only: sheesh...this one "had it all"...every cliche already milked dry in previous movies. Except a shark, there wasn't one of them.  Oh, wait a minute...yes, there were several, actually. So let's see: attempted ski hit √, highly improbable car chase √, stupid comments after killing people √, women throwing themselves at Bond moments after meeting him √, bad sound effects √, explosions for no apparent reason √ & shark √...yes, this one does seem to have had it all.  The only notable thing about this movie was that it was the first time Bond turned down pussy. The girl, Bibi (played charmingly by Lynn-Holly Johnson) may have been meant to be underage. (The actress was 23, but there was a line where she said that her father thought she was still a virgin, so I'm thinking that she was supposed to be a bit younger. I mean, it was 1981, after all.) At any rate... for the Bond (so-called) character, even that is a rather remarkable bit of restraint, isn't it? Oh...so tired of Roger Moore...so tired of James Bond....2.  Octopussy: I am still finding it hard to believe that a movie with a title like this was made. Beyond that...well, it just keeps getting worse, doesn't it? So much so that I put my Cliche List together in checklist form for future reference. I wish I had done this from the beginning, but I'm not about to go back and watch those shitty movies again, that's for sure.  And then I was ready for Roger Moore's last Bond movie: From A View to a Kill. 

☑️  Bad Puns

☑️  Bad / Corny Sound Effects (Including Music)

☑️  Car Chase

☑️  Cars Don't Do That

☑️  Cops Aren't That Stupid

▢  Crocodiles

☑️ Obviously A Dummy Falling, Not A Human Being

☑️  Elaborate Plan To Kill Bond When They Could Easily Have Shot Him

☑️  Guns Don't Have That Many Bullets

☑️  Helicopter Explosion

▢  Shark Attack

☑️  Skiing

▢  Snakes

☑️  Things Blow Up For No Apparent Reason

I really thought there would be sharks...as there was an underwater scene. But maybe they just ran out of room. This was 2 hours and 11 minutes long, which I think is the longest Bond so far. Sure felt that way, at least. [Fact Check: Actually On Her Majesty's Secret Service was longer (at 2:22)...and there are five later Bond films that are longer...but three of them are Daniel Craigs, so that makes it easier, doesn't it? At any rate...I hope that the Timothy Dalton Bonds are as good as I remember them being. Because tomorrow....

Still courtesy of Pluto TV: The Living Daylights. And it was definitely the best Bond movie I've seen in a long time. Maybe even the best of all thus far...though it still managed to tick a couple of boxes on my list:

☑️  Bad Puns

▢  Bad / Corny Sound Effects (Including Music)

☑️  Car Chase

☑️  Cars Don't Do That

▢   Cops Aren't That Stupid

▢  Crocodiles

☑️ Obviously A Dummy Falling, Not A Human Being

▢   Elaborate Plan To Kill Bond When They Could Easily Have Shot Him

▢   Guns Don't Have That Many Bullets

▢   Helicopter Explosion

▢  Shark Attack

☑️  Skiing

▢  Snakes

☑️  Things Blow Up For No Apparent Reason

Even so, I thought that Timothy Dalton did a pretty good job with the role...and although some other characters did some violence against women, I don't think Bond did anything this time around. And the next one...License to Kill...just seemed to go out of its way to do everything wrong. All of the stupid shit was back...even sharks...and Bond was even back to roughing up women. Hard to believe that Timothy Dalton's second (and final) outing was so bad after the promise that the first one showed. Hell, this one even had Wayne Newton in a supporting role, for fuck's sake. Sigh.

The good news, though, is that Pierce Brosnan is up next. Pluto has the first three...and I have the fourth one from the library. Here's hoping that they are better than License to Kill. Of course, that's a pretty low bar to clear.

The beginning of GoldenEye reminded me that I should have included Playing Cards to the list of Bond bullshit tropes...because yes, we were back at the card table early on. Probably should be another one for Airplane Battles, come to think of it. Anyway...this movie started out pretty promising with a very exciting opening sequence and a groovy theme song (courtesy of Bono and the Edge as songwriters and performed by Tina Turner). Then it was back to the usual stupidity with a pointless car race with The Next Girl and on to the card table. And then straight downhill, including most of the worst aspects of the Bond films--violence against women, stupid remarks, impossible events, etc. Pierce looks the part, for sure... probably better than any other actor...but the script was just shit. Maybe better next time?

Or not. Tomorrow Never Dies was just fucking awful. Want to know how to break into a billionaire's secret lair? Just open the hatch in the roof. And don't worry...there are no security guards...or even cameras, motion detectors, etc. Just don't open that doo-- Oh. Well, don't worry, you can always just go out the back door. Sheesh. Serious bullshit...and much more Roger Moore-y in terms of stupid quips, stupid gadgets, and just downright implausibility. The more old Bond films I see, the more I appreciate Daniel Craig. At least in Casino Royale. I am waiting to see how I feel about Skyfall and Spectre. Other than CR and Timothy Dalton's first movie, though, I don't think that any of these films is even worth watching. The World is Not Enough...but I've had enough, for sure. At least that's the end of Pluto TV's Bond. Now we have one more Pierce Brosnan which I got on dvd from the library, then two more Daniel Craigs...also obtained from the library on dvd. So the good news is that this 27 movie adventure hasn't cost me one red cent...which is really good news, because it certainly hasn't been worth one red cent. But hey, Joe has enjoyed it, and giving him something to look forward to every day for almost a month is worth any amount of psychic pain which it incurred in me. Have to start figuring out what comes next, though.

Anyway...Die Another Day made me happy that I was through with Pierce Brosnan. Before Joe and I started on this James Bond festival I would have said that he was my favorite Bond, but now I have no idea why I had that impression. He was awful. The movies were awful. I don't ever want to see these movies again.

Now on to Daniel Craig's third and fourth Bond outing...and then, of course, to the theater for the next one when it finally makes it out.

Skyfall was actually not bad at all. In fact, despite some stupid movie stuff, I think it was the best Bond movie of them all. So maybe there is a correlation between box office power and quality sometimes. Or maybe not, since Spectre was almost as bad as any of the Roger Moore movies...with some horribly cruel stuff thrown in as well.

That's it until the new one hits the theater...and given the current state of things, who knows when that will be. I'm not in any hurry, for sure. Oh, the things we parents do for our children.