Neal Stephenson

"Nothing is more important than that you see and love the beauty that is right in front of you, or else you will have no defense against the ugliness that will hem you in and come at you in so many ways."

Neal Stephenson

Anathem

I think that pretty much sums it all up for me. I read this while I was lying in a hospital bed, having just had half of my left lung removed. It was cancer, of course, so in addition to the very intense physical pain I was suffering, I was also wondering if the surgery had done the trick or if I would now have to go through chemotherapy, radiation, or both. The biopsy of my lymph nodes hadn't yet come back. My father died of lung cancer, and he did not last long after his initial diagnosis. Long enough to go into a brief remission and give us hope, of course, because that's how cancer so often works. But then he died in pain, gasping for breath, on so many drugs that he hadn't been conscious for some time. And I thought about my children, how bereft they would be. I had told my youngest two, who are both autistic, that I was just having some tests done, not wanting to scare them, so in addition to losing their father they would also know that I had lied to them at the end.

But now I'm safe at home and cancer free, no chemo, no radiation in my future. My side hurts like a motherfucker and I can barely eat or sleep (which is why I'm writing this at 4:00 in the morning and haven't eaten much of anything since a couple of crackers with tuna last night at 6 pm), but you know what? I'm alive. I'm going to be alive at least for a little while longer. And as I look around my book strewn living room where my cats play and nuzzle my feet, all I can see is beauty.

Thanks, Neal.