Coffee & Jesus

Yesterday I had coffee with a friend, and at some point in the 3 1/2 hour conversation I told a joke about Jesus--which I'm not going to repeat here, as that would totally blunt the point of the story. I didn't think about it again until I went to bed at 11 p.m., and then I started thinking, "Why did I tell that joke? It wasn't all that funny, and it was disrespectful to Jesus." And I struggled with that thought for a few minutes, then read until I felt that I could get to sleep. I woke up just a few hours later, at 3 a.m., and the first thought I had was that I had to call C. and tell him that I was sorry that I had told that joke. I then tried to talk myself out of the need to do that. I knew that he hadn't been offended by it, after all, so what was the big deal? But my conscience was unrelenting. It took about an hour before I could shunt it aside and get back to sleep for a couple more hours. But when I woke up at 6:30 I knew that I was going to have to call C. I pointed out to myself that that would be embarrassing and that C. would probably think I was turning into a religious nut, so I didn't need to do it. But at 9:00--the earliest hour at which I can convince myself it's decent to call--I called. I will admit that I was hoping to get an answering machine. But I didn't. So I took a breath and told C. that I woke up in the middle of the night feeling bad and that I knew that I wouldn't stop feeling bad until I apologized for telling that joke. And C. told me that he had felt the same way about a joke that he'd told, and made me feel a lot better about the whole calling him to confess thing.

And the moral of the story is: it's a lot easier to do the right thing the first time.

Or maybe it's: a true friend is more understanding that you think s/he'll be.

Or even: when you fuck up, admit it. Then try not to do it again.

Or possibly: living with embarrassment is easier than living with shame.

In any event, lesson learned. I hope.