Shit

Just found this in draft. Figured its time had come.

I've been dreaming about shit a lot lately. First it was incidental shit, like finding a pile on my front lawn and being frustrated, "Why don't people pick up after their dog?" (since I don't have one) way. Then it became more vivid, as when I dreamed of my sister's dog taking a massive shit on her concrete patio...and then vomiting up a large, moss covered log, which I suppose is still some kind of shit image. But last night I dreamed that I was at work, and my boss, an acerbic woman, was talking to me when she suddenly said, "I think you've shit your pants." I insisted that I had not and she disagreed, so I huffily walked to the restroom to confirm my status. I remember wanting to turn so that she couldn't see my butt as I passed by her...just in case I had shit my pants. When I got into the bathroom and pulled down my pants and underwear, I found a huge, thick coating of shit in my underpants. Dismayed, I went to work with toilet paper...and quickly ran out. I ended up using a plastic bag to finish up, then tried to flush the bag down the toilet. The toilet immediately stopped up. I was panicked. And I was not yet very clean. So I stepped into the shower and tried to wash myself off. I was having trouble with that, as I had no washcloth, but as I struggled I saw that there were dozens of rolls of toilet paper stacked up in the shower. I remember thinking that I had to hurry before the boss starting wondering what had happened to me. I also remember thinking that I'd tell her that I hadn't shit myself, but that I took a shower since she obviously thought that I didn't smell very good.

And then I woke up.

I suppose it's not really a surprise, after all. We live in a pretty shitty world. The mad president is gone now, and we don't have to be exposed to his endless mad yammering every day, but he still pops up...and the dragon teeth he sowed have been leaping from every field, crazed eyes and swishing scimitars.