Every month since November 3, 2015 (8:00 to 8:11 Ante Meridiem), my kids have been able to savor the high comedy of me attempting to communicate with the automated Social Security Wage Reporting Phone System. Every month . . . usually on the first . . . and usually quite early in the morning . . . I would dial the number, brace myself, and begin the process. The worst part was usually spelling my name. The system had a very hard time discerning the difference between various fricatives. I would often spell my name carefully, only to have it repeat back to me the wrong letters. After a few tries, the automated system would throw in the towel, saying, "Check your information and try again." Sometimes it would let me get all the way to the final step, accepting my social security number, last and first name, my son's social security number, the total wages he had earned for the month, and THEN tell me, "Check your information and try again." To add to the frustration level, before this message it would accurately repeat back to me ALL of the information. It stopped being funny pretty early on. Enter the child-pleasing performance. I would shout into the phone, my enunciation honed to a sharpness that should have left the air in tatters. Again. Again. Joe and Jacqueline would shriek with laughter.
It happened a lot. At least every other month. Sometimes three or four . . . or more . . . attempts.
But there were only two other ways to report Joe's wages. One was to mail the pay stubbs to the local Social Security office. Having dealt with them on various occasions, I knew that that was not a good choice. Rube Goldberg was a model of efficiency compared to that operation.
The other way was to report via an app. Which I successfully downloaded to my computer as soon as I heard about it. But it only works on a smart phone. (And what the fuck is up with that? I can pay all of my bills via the internet, but I can't report my son's $40 per month earnings?)
But a few months ago I made the leap and got (not purchased . . . not STOLEN, either; sheesh, Johnny, do ye hardly know me?) a smart phone. I immediately downloaded the SSI Wage Reporting App. But I was nervous about using it. So I continued to call and shout from September through December. Then New Year, New Rules . . . so I gave the app a shot on January 1st. I wasn't feeling secure about the whole thing until I got my confirmation mail a week or so later. (Amazingly enough, they do not do confirmation by email or text. In fact, they do almost nothing via the internet. And yes, this results in serious delays in communication. It also occasionally results in very bad things happening, as when my shitty mailman didn't deliver a letter that was properly addressed to me, it went back to Social Security, and they cut off Joe's benefits because I hadn't responded to their letter. I suppose you could justify the lack of internet communication by suggesting that there is a lack of security via the tubes. But . . . well, let's just put it this way: my mailbox isn't exactly what I'd call secure. I mean, the scorpions at the bottom of the box help a bit, but every once in awhile I forget to feed them and there's a lapse in security.)
So this morning I reported via the app, and I did it with confidence. And it was so nice. So much easier. And they actually send you a
Not, as you can see, a confirmation per se, but I think it's good enough to hold up in court. Probably needless to say, I screenshot it. You just can't anticipate the incompetence of a government organization. Been there, done that, bought souvenirs. Lots of souvenirs.
ANYway, if you've been mailing paystubs or shouting into your telephone every month, give that shit up and add years to your life expectancy via the stress reduction of using this app, brahs and tahs.
And if you don't have a smart phone, I know a guy. Give me a call.
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