A Few Words About My Ass

WARNING: If you are reading this post because we have a personal relationship, then you might want to give this one a pass. Let's put it this way: if I were reading this blog because I had a personal relationship with myself, I would give this one a pass. Because I am going to talk about my ass. Just a little bit. Not in intensely gross detail . . . and no homo stuff 1  , but yes indeedy, my ass. I've been thinking about it for awhile, and I actually feel a certain amount of civic responsibility here. Because I'm not really the kind of person who enjoys talking about my ass. It's embarrassing, and it's private. But I have learned some things in the past few months that I think are worth sharing. So I did. Below. Here it comes. 

Fake. Still time to bail out. Really. I promise you that you will not miss anything that you need . . . unless you have some ass problems. And I'm not talking about BIG ass problems, because I don't have those and don't know anything about them. Just little ass problems. Growing old/er and things aren't the way they used to be when I was young kind of ass problems. Okay?

Okay. Forewarned, forearmed. 

A little bit of context first.

There's a Louis C.K. bit . . . I think it was on his show, but it could have been a bit in one of the stand-up routines. I regularly get offended by Louis C.K. and give up on him, then go back for another look because he can be so fuckin' funny, so I get his stuff mixed up sometimes.

ANYway. There's a Louis C.K. bit wherein he talks about just sitting around and then suddenly realizing that his ass is wet. And I had been experiencing a bit of that myself, so (1) I found his comments about it to be very funny, and (2) it made me feel better, like it wasn't some horrible terrible bad thing, but just a thing that happens to you that nobody bothers to tell you is going to happen to you because it's not very nice to talk about. Not to mention EMBARRASSING. 

I don't remember much of the specific stuff in this Louis C.K. bit, and I don't really feel like going back to find the nitty gritty details, but it seemed to me that it fit in to a larger category of Louis C.K. humor which centers around the idea of That Just Happens When You Get Old. Like the knee thing.

So . . . yeah. Funny  Felt better. & I kind of resigned myself to the fact that I would need to be more proactive in my ass wiping duties and would probably have to pay a little more attention to my laundering.

But then I started exercising and eating better food and more fiber and cutting down on calories. All pretty much at the same time, so I can't isolate the key factor here, but I can tell you this: I no longer have to worry about that shit. 2   So the moral of the story is that you DON'T have to just accept that you're getting older and that your ass is going to start leaking and that's just the way it is. I also want to add here that the higher fiber (and I am talking about >38 grams of fiber a day, per Dr.  & Mrs. Reuben's recommendation, which is a damned sight more than the "recommended" amount)  has NOT resulted in an unreasonable amount of shitting for me. In fact, if anything that activity has ceased to be as frequent  . . . or as URGent  3  . . . in my experience. 

And one more indelicacy. Prior to this diet / exercise regimen, I had occasional trouble with bleeding from my ass. NOT hemorrhoid bleeding.  4  My doctor told me that I had a small crack in the wall of my ass, and that when it got irritated (by exercise or by excessive--as in more than once per day--shitting), it would bleed. And that doesn't happen anymore, either. 

And I have to tell you, if the ONLY result of all of this weight loss, dieting, and exercising were the ass benefits, it would definitely be worth it for me. It is just demeaning, demoralizing, and humiliating to have your ass leak or bleed, man.

And I was ready to give up and accept my "Fate."

But if you're in the same place I was in, you know better now. You don't have to accept that fuckin' fate, man.

Kick ass.

Peace out.





1  Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.

2  Yeah, pun intended. Had to happen, no apologies.

3  Another Louis C.K. bit, wherein he says something along the lines of, "When you get to be THIS age, every shit is an  emergency." Funny, for sure, but it doesn't have to be true.

4  I don't know why it is important to me that you know that I don't have (and never have had) hemorrhoids, but I have to admit that it IS. Character flaw, I suppose.