"...no matter how total, exclusive, and permanent the commitment between two lovers might turn out to be, it lacked the dimensions of spiritual seriousness and public responsibility which only marriage, with its ancient vows and symbols, rights and risks, provided."
That's from page 35 of Jon Barth's Chimera. I've been taking my time with this book, sinking into the narrative, and I have to say that I'm surprised at my younger self for not finishing it. I'm not sure when I first tried to read this book...but I'd guess I was in my teens...maybe even when the book first came out. (For one thing, I remember that ↑ cover...and as previously mentioned, the book did win the National Book Award in 1973, so it was probably generating some publicity which could have caught my eye.) But I know I didn't finish the book, and I can only conclude that I didn't get it.
Of course, things like this bit from page 35 wouldn't have meant much to me before I'd had my heart broken, recovered, been married, divorced, recovered, married, divorced, recovered, and then spent five years with a woman who committed acts of emotional abuse on me on a regular basis. (And it appalls me now to think that I was so spiritually exhausted and filled with self-loathing in the aftermath of that second divorce that I put up with that shit for five years.) But now when I look at those lines from Chimera...it fills me with longing. I wanted...hell, part of me still wants...a marriage that has that level of commitment, that level of truth. All I can say now is that I gave it my best shot both times, and that the worst thing you can say about me in that respect is that I do not have great acumen in my choosing of partners.
Sigh.
5/9/2020: Just finished Part One of this book, which was entitled "Dunyazadiad." It's a version of the story of Scheherazade, and it was both riveting and appalling. Reading this...thinking about this story...makes it hard to believe that anybody would ever want to have sex with anyone other than themselves. The only solace I could hold (like a raw steak to my bruised face) was the fact that in my 40+ year history of sexual relationships, I never once committed or threatened an act of violence against anyone, never pressured anyone into having sex with me, never even tried to convince anyone to have sex with me. In fact, I rarely even made the first move...and the few times I did, it was only because very clear signals were being given to me. That undoubtedly means that I could have had more sex than I did if I had been a little bolder, but I'm okay with that. More than okay, actually.
But at heart, this is a story about the abuse women suffer at the hands of men...and how men use their power to abuse women. And about how the only way for a woman to survive is to submit herself to the whims of the man. And that just makes me sick.
Now...I need to take a little break before I proceed to the second novella. Stories about rape just overwhelm me with sadness and anger.
- B - R - E - A - K -
Started Part Two, "Perseid," today. It's written in a more convoluted style than Part One, and I have to admit that I'm struggling not to be put off by that. I did run across a couple of lines which I found worth remembering:
"That permanent relationship was fatal to passion was perhaps inevitable...."
...both of which are on page 95. The first is particularly meaningful to me, in that I think it has a lot to do with the failure of my second marriage. I could be wrong, of course. The fact that I'm still wondering about it eleven years after it ended probably tells you all you need to know about my perspicacity in this matter. But I think that it's possible that she saw me as something more than a person, and that while she was able to maintain that illusion for the three years we lived together (I was trying to be careful) before we were married, and then for most of the five years that we were married, eventually the reality of me caught up with her. Which is not to say that I'm a bad guy, because I'm not...and as much as she despises me now, I doubt that even she would say that I'm a bad guy. But I'm a guy. I don't shit marble. I don't lead the downtrodden into battle against the Overlords. I don't even sail to Easter Island on a rickety raft.
The second one is probably where I am nowadays. I find it very hard to believe that there is such a thing as true love...or even real love. There's What Can You Do For Me and there's What Have You Done For Me Lately. That's true of every woman I've had a romantic relationship with. With one possible exception, but I broke up with her when she did something which I regarded as unforgivable. (Details are not available upon request. Suffice it to say that it was not illegal, but that it was unnecessary, directed at one of my family members, and caused harm.) Part of me thinks that she would have gotten around to being a bitch sooner or later, though, but I guess that's an inside thought, so never mind.
5/22/2020: Have only a toe-hold in Part Two. Did take a break to read The End of the Road, which took most of the wind out of my Barth sails, but when I gamely tried to re-start Chimera part the second I could only think, "No wonder I never finished this fucking book all those years ago." I think that this "Perseid" may just be bullshit. The style is so willfully and meaninglessly obtuse...just for the sake of ornament and needless obfuscation so far as I can see. Part of me wants to plow through and finish this book...because I have invested some time here, and I'm 100 pages down...but the other part of me just says, "Hey, you're old...you don't have that many more books left to you, so why waste your time here?" I'd probably feel a bit differently if The End of the Road hadn't affected me so negatively. So I am going to make my Big Decision today. I'll try to read "Perseid," but if it doesn't catch my fancy today, I'm done with it. And done with Barth. Probably done with Barth either way, but there's an outside chance that Chimera will redeem itself for me and I'll find some renewed interest in him and sally forth once more. Meanwhile, though, I've cancelled my request for The Sot-Weed Factor from the library.
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