I decided to re-re-watch The Force Awakens. Mostly because I wanted to get ready to see The Last Jedi. Which actually made me want to watch ALL of the Star Wars movies over again, but let's see . . . 2 hours 16 minutes + 2 hours 22 minutes + 2 hours 20 minutes + 2 hours 5 minutes + 2 hours 7 minutes + 2 hours 16 minutes + 2 hours 15 minutes = 15 hours 41 minutes . . . I don't see that happening in the next ten days, do you?
But 2 hours and 15 minutes . . . maybe.
Besides, I'd been meaning to re-re-watch it for some time, because (1) my #1son recently told me that it was his favorite Star Wars movie, and (2) because I wanted to make a list of what I didn't like about it.
It didn't take long for me to start remembering . . . vividly . . . how much I hated this movie.
The biggest problem I have with it is the way that Finn, who has been programmed from birth to be an obedient soldier of The Empire, throws off that programming in order to pursue What Is Right. I mean . . . I know that we have to take some short cuts in film-making, but could we just have a reason for this abrupt 180ºer? Apparently not. So ten minutes or so into The Force Awakens, I'm already thinking, "What the fuck?"
But it gets worse pretty quickly. At the 20 minute mark, Finn . . . despite the fact that his superior officer noted some irregularities in his behavior on their most recent mission . . . is able to intercept the transport of Poe Dameron, the most significant prisoner that The Empire has managed to capture in the past 30 years or so . . . and to get him aboard a Tie fighter without encountering ANY resistance. Say what? And come to think of it, how did he even know that this prisoner was being moved? It's not like he was on the email list for that shit, y'know? And since his behavior on the last ravaged planet mission had drawn the attention and ire of his superior officer, you'd think that they might have been keeping an eye on him. But you'd be wrong.
And then it gets worse. When Poe Dameron asks "Finn" why he is helping him to escape, Finn replies, "Because it's the right thing to do." Now, I realize that that's just a bullshit answer--as does Poe--and that in itself is fine. Finn wants to escape from the ship, and he sees Poe as a way to do that. The problem is this: how did Finn even know how to frame that response? Do they spend a lot of time studying Moral Philosophy in Stormtrooper School? I think not.
And then it gets worse. Poe tells Finn, "I can fly anything." Well. How is that possible? He's never been inside of a Tie fighter before. It was manufactured by people from another fuckin' planet. It is not believable that he'd intuitively be able to figure out how to fly the thing. And you'd think that if anything was labeled, it would be in a language foreign to him, wouldn't you? Also, when he asks Finn if he can handle the guns on the Tie fighter, Finn says something about being able to handle the hand guns Stormtroopers use, and Poe replies, "Same thing." Umm . . . no, Scott. Not the same thing. And there is no way that a ground troop Stormtrooper would be trained to use the armaments on a Tie fighter. That's not how the military works, man. I call bullshit.
And . . . um . . . how does Rey know how to fly the Millennium Falcon? I thought she was a planet-bound scavenger. Maybe she's read some books? Or watched some You Tube videos? I want those deleted scenes.
Then we are asked to believe that Han Solo and Chewbacca just happen to bump into the Millennium Falcon in the middle of nowhere. In space. You'd think that the universe had shrunk to the size of Dickens's London . . . you know, where there are only about 150 people and maybe a square mile of territory to cover? Yeah. This doesn't even come close to being on the coincidence level. More like the Miraculous on the Level of the Creation of the Universe Level.
And speaking of Han Solo . . . and, for that matter, of Leia Organa . . . why is it that almost 40 years have passed . . . and the faces of Leia, Han, and Luke do not allow the storytellers to deny that passage of time . . . and yet things that should have been resolved 35 years ago are still hanging? For fuck's sake. And for that matter, are we really supposed to believe that a spaceship that has been sitting in a junkyard for four decades fires up and blasts off within a few seconds of its switches being flipped? I'm calling bullshit again here.
And let me get THIS straight. Han decides to help Rey and Finn . . . even though there's very little reason for him to do that . . . and he goes to a bar on a planet where it just so happens that Luke Skywalker's light saber has been hidden. Not hidden very well, I'll grant you--just thrown into a trunk in the cellar. And it's not because the light saber or The Force or anything called to him, it's just a coinky-dinky. Bad storytelling relies on coincidence. Good storytelling gives us a reason to believe that a coincidence is possible. This is bad storytelling at its baddest. Shit just happens because it's the easiest way to move the story forward. No logical consistency or imperative, nothing. Just . . . and then THIS.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. At the one hour mark, I had definitely had enough. I had definitely re-re-confirmed my suspicion that this was The Worst Star Wars Movie EVer, and a bad movie as well. And I had no idea why it was #1son's favorite Star Wars movie. But keeping that in mind, I bucked up and hit the PLAY button for le grand finale.
Rey, who has never used a weapon before (how could she have, given her backstory? Plus her comments to Han Solo earlier on indicated that she had NO IDEA how to use this gun) manages to bring down several HIGHLY TRAINED Storm Troopers with said weapon . . . and from a fair distance. Apparently the majority of their Storm Trooper training was in how to fall well after being shot.
And speaking of weapons . . . Finn has obviously never held a light saber before, and yet he is able to fend off a Storm Trooper who is expert in the use of the light saber long enough for Han Solo to shoot said Storm Trooper.
And . . . am I really supposed to believe that Han and Leia have let three decades (or so) pass with NO communication between them?
Oh, for fuck's sake. People just do not act the way that the people in this movie act. It's not a question of science fiction, it's a question of having a rudimentary understanding of human nature. That understanding is totally lacking here.
At this point (a little over an hour into the festivities), I fully understood why I have so little regard for this movie. I could boil it down to one axiom: people just do not act this way.
And still I continued to watch.
How is it that Finn, a two-bit soldier, knows the floor plan of the Planet Killer Super Death Star . . . which is the size of a fuckin' planet . . . so well . . . including how to destroy it with a few well-placed shots? You know, I had a Top Secret security clearance in the U.S. Army's Military Intelligence, but they failed to reveal to me how to destroy Washington D.C. with one well-placed grenade. That's just the evolution of the military at work, I suppose.
Ahem.
And the most ridiculous was yet to come. The whole Han Solo is dead aftermath. I'm not even going to bother with the whole Why Do Finn and Rey Give a Shit About This Guy Thing. (Or, for that matter, about each other.) No. Let's just stick to the stupidity of the plot.
To begin with, how the hell does Kylo Ren get into the forest AHEAD of Finn and Rey? 'Cause that just doesn't make any visual sense at all. But it gets worse. First Finn, who, so far as we know, has never used a light saber before, does a pretty fair job of defending himself against Kylo Ren, who is an expert . . . possibly THE pre-eminent expert . . . with the weapon. But then it gets worse. Because at least Finn was a trained soldier. Then Rey, the scavenger, who has most certainly never even seen a light saber before, does battle with the aforementioned EXPERT SWORDSMAN Kylo Ren, and fights him to a standstill. Now, they could have made this a little bit more believable if they'd played up the fact that he had been wounded by Chewbacca before this whole battle began, but that's not how this story goes. And understandably so, I suppose, in that fighting a seriously wounded enemy doesn't seem particularly brave or noble. But for fuck's sake, man . . . this is so massively bullshitty that I can't even stand to talk about it anymore. It's like a liberal's wet dream, in which your belief in what you want to happen coupled with your will for it to happen surmounts everything else . . . including years of training in the arts of weaponry. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Yep, I hate this movie. I really, really hate this movie.
No wonder it made two billion dollars.
Still I took a deep breath and continued to watch the last twenty minutes.
And there was the giant chasm that just happened to open up between the fallen Ren and the standing Rey thing. Mmm-hmm.
And the fact that the 6' 3" 176 lbs Ren is physically overpowered by the 5' 7" 121 lbs Rey. Mmm-hmm. Best not question that, though, or you'll reveal yourself as the misogynist that you are.
Enough.
Watching this thing again did most certainly confirm my disdain for it. What a total piece of shit. What an asinine bit of lazy, illogical, juvenile story-telling. And Star Wars fans have the nerve to complain about Jar Jar Binks? Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
I sure as hell hope that The Last Jedi does a better job of telling a story than The Force Awakens. I'm hopeful, since it looks like Luke Skywalker, played by the most wonderful Mark Hamill, seems to be the featured player.
Meanwhile, I think I need to watch Rogue One again in order to get the bad taste of The Force Awakens out of my mouth.
Bleh.
Full Frontal Transparency: I wrote this entry (and watched this movie) under the influence of six shots of vodka. I found it to be a most enervating experience, and plan to repeat it as soon as the opportunity presents itself. The vodka, that is. Most definitely NOT the movie. I will never watch this piece of shit again. I probably wouldn't have made it through this time without the booze, come to think of it.
Thanks for your support.
Ha ha, it's just the moon. Sure do look Death Star-ish to me, though. Specially in the black and the white.
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