But not ha ha funny.

It's funny, but not ha ha funny. My mom used that line a lot.

I was just saying my nightly prayers... yep, that has become a thing for me. It makes me feel better. It gives me a moment of clarity at the end of the day.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. 

I do it first thing in the morning, too.

It always goes something like this:

Thank you for Jimmy, Jacqueline,  and Joe. They are the greatest blessings I've found in this life. Please protect them, comfort them when they need it, and imbue them with a sense of Your presence. Let them always know that they are important, that what they do has significance,  and that they are loved. Let them know that they can always talk to me, that even if I've died I will lean in close to hear them, and that if I can't answer them, I will touch their arm gently so that they know they are never alone.

I usually cry a little bit when I run those words through my head.

And then I give thanks for some other stuff...friends and house and the other things that make for a reasonably comfortable life.

Tonight after I did the prayer I started thinking about my mom. I started missing her really badly. I loved her, of course. But I also really liked her. She was weird and funny and smart, and we used to talk and talk and talk. But as I was thinking about her, I wished that we had talked more. And then it occurred to me that I've actually spent a lot of my life focusing on things that really weren't worth the attention. Of course, I didn't know I was squandering my time at the time...but in retrospect it's painfully clear.

It's like a heart attack. Once you have one, you look back and you think, Well, fuck...how did I not see THAT one coming.

Anybody else thinking of Denis Leary's Lou Gherig joke?

Yeah.

It's funny.