Portland Grates My Ass

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm beginning to hate Portland. 

I mean, it's not even all that big. I checked on Wikipedia, and it says that as of 2012, the population was 603,106 . . . making it the 28th largest city in these United States of America. That's less than my old Kentucky home, Louisville, which had 605,110 as of 2012. (Making it the 27th largest city in etc.) And we beat the shit out of them in murder and non-negligent manslaughter rates--11.9 per 100,000 for Louisville, 4.2 for Portland. (We also kicked the hell out of them in robberies and aggravated assault, woo-hoo.) 

But we don't have a television show like Portlandia. Or, for that matter, like Backstrom (oh, man, I loved that show), Best Friends Whenever, Crash & Bernstein, Free Agents, Grimm, Hello Larry, Leverage, The Librarians, Life Unexpected, Maggie, Monday Mornings, Perfect Couples, The Real World: Portland, Saved, Sons and Daughters, Together We Stand, Under Suspicion, or You Me Her. 

Nope. We've got Southern Belles: Louisville. One season. Eleven episodes. 

And movies? Don't even ask.

What?

Okay. 

We've got Dead Moon Rising, Elizabethtown, Fake ID, The Insider, Return of the Living Dead, Secretariat, Sheba, Baby, Stripes, and You Can't Buy Luck. 

And the Louisville scene in The Hustler? Actually filmed in New York City.  

Portand has Antitrust, Are We There Yet?, Arresting Power: Resisting Police Violence in Portland Oregon, The Auteur, Blue Like Jazz, Body of Evidence, Bongwater, C.O.G., Cold Weather, Drugstore Cowboy, The Edge of Seventeen, Film Geek, Freddy Got Fingered, Girl, Gone, The Hunted, John Tucker Must Die, The Lathe of Heaven, Mala Noche, Mr. Holland's Opus, Paranoid Park, Portland Exposé, and Untraceable. 

So we've got one good horse movie and Portland has The Lathe of Heaven and Mr. Holland's Opus. Not much of a contest there, either.

But what REALly grates my butt is the fact that every time (!) I find a new band that I love and go to check their tour schedule, it's a sure bet that (1) they are not coming to Louisville but (2) they are going to Portland. (Latest in this category, Micky and the Motorcars, who will be in Portland on May 2nd (at The White Eagle, 836 N. Russell Street), and are coming no closer to Louisville than Bumfuck, Texas.

It's just not fair.

So just stop it, Portland. 

(Sorry, Brother D.)